What lies underneath

Happy ? Me happy? What does that even mean? I feel like when people say are you happy? I feel as if they are cursing at me.
How about have you had enough? Enough of not being happy.
Enough of waking up to this sad thing called life?
I am very thankful for being alive overall.
But I've truly had enough of what comes with it all.
So far the way things are happening it seems as if nothing is happening for me.
You pray and you cry and you pray and you cry some more.
You get alone and cry alittle more.
You find yourself crying so much that your eyes get sore.
But since you can't stop, you just allow the tears to fall.
Fall along with your hopes, your dreams, and with anything that ever meant anything.
Your tired, and it's okay, get tired, be tired, you deserve to be tired.
You want out and without a doubt that's okay too and I truly do not blame you.
But you being a quitter is simply not In you.
My life is so cloudy right now I am not seeing the point but I do hold on to hope that there a point coming at some point.
waiting, I hate waiting especially when I do not know.
I tried, I tried an, I tried some more and got knocked down and I tried again and got knocked down again ; now I'm starting to think in my life there is no gold, or even a goal, there is no win.
There is just life, and there is Just me.
I think its okay to hurt, I've been hurting a lot these last few months nobody knows, hell I don't even know if anybody would even care. Especially the ones that are guilty of doing it or are they?
I mean people can only do what you allow them to do, so did I hurt myself? By allowing myself to get hurt by someone else? that's on me I see, I take all the blame this ones on me.

Someone told me that in life you live, then you die, and if your lucky enough to become somebody in between that then good for you but its highly unlikely for anybody too. I am beginning to think that's true.
I had dreams, I had big dreams, hell I still do, but maybe my dreams are too big for my eyes to see and for my hands to reach, and maybe my prayers have been silenced, no longer to be heard by anyone up there. Maybe God no longer cares, maybe even Jesus gave up caring about me. There is someone born every day so why would God continue wasting his graces on me?

I'm sad I've been so sad for a longtime, but how can anyone tell if my frown is always upside down.
I am not living I'm existing, but I'm existing for my Child, thank God for her because of her I still maintain some type of hope to carry on, at least so 30 years from now she won't spend her nights crying, her nights not sleeping constantly wheeping, praying for a miracle, playing for a Miracle, wishing for a Miracle, hopefully her emotions won't be too hysterical.
I have enough hope left in me for one last prayer, My prayer is for her to succeed in all that she desires and that she never has to be writing anything like this.
Her writings will be joyous filled with peace laughter and love.
Her prayers will rain down constantly from above.
She wont just exist she will live.
She won't cry tears of sadness she will shed tears of joy.
I pray she doesn't even know what hopelessness and heartache feels like.
I pray she goes through life not having to fight.
I pray it all comes easy.
I pray she never loses faith.
I pray she Keeps God first at all times.
I pray that she keeps praying even for me.
But most of all I pray she ends of nothing like me but way better than me, because in this moment right now as I am writing this piece and reading it too, I don't even recognize me.
This wasn't me I used to be so happy, but I'm done pretending its time to take off the scales and let the world finally see what truly lies underneath.

Hello Writing......

Hello four years later. It's been a long time since I've written anything. Somewhere down the line I lost the desire to Write, I didn't want to look at A laptop, Notebook, or Notepad. I gave up on writing, but so much has happened in these last 4 years that I am OVER LOADED with stories to write, re-live, laugh, and cry about all over again. Writing came back for me, writing still loved me, writing still wanted me, writing said come home, writing looked for me, writing had my back, writing never failed me, I failed writing the minute I stopped writing, But even though I gave up on writing.... Writing never once gave up on me. Writing waited for me. I owe writing an apology, I owe it to writing to finish what I started and continue to Write. Only This time I want to reach people, I want to touch peoples lives, I want to connect with the world. I want the world to be reintroduced to Tiana Bridtter the new Tiana Bridtter. The good, bad, and ugly Tiana Bridtter. And to writing I want to thank you for staying true, and this time I won't fail you.

Daddy's little Girl

"Forgive me for i envy the little princess walking hand and hand with her father; her father who walks her into school when she is tardy and kisses her upon her forehead when she's sleeping, holds her close when she's had a bad dream.
Forgive me , Forgive me I say; for it is not this Little girl's fault my father caused me such dismay.
As I walk into stores I see the father's with their little girls, the look in their eyes are priceless. The little girl stares at him as if her daddy is all that matters to her, and he stares at her with promises to protect her forever and never to leave her side no matter who her mother was or what she could've done. None of that mattered to him ; only thing that mattered was the love between father and daughter which they both felt within.
I tried to be a daddy's girl but mommy wouldn't let me, away from daddy she kept me, she told me she was only trying to "Protect me".
But mommy was wrong and daddy was too, he let mommy win the battle he didn't even come back for a round 2. After round one he was done and didn't come back for me, he didn't call, didn't come visit no nothing. I didn't hear from daddy until i was 18 by then It was too late he had missed everything, my first prom, my first boyfriend, my ring dance, my honor awards ceremonies he missed it all. But for some reason when we finally re-united again none of that bothered me at all. It was almost as if i was suffering from amnesia , only I remembered when he left and didn't come back but standing in front of him listening to him apologize how could I still be mad at that? "Forgive me" he asked and forgave him I did what good would it do me holding onto pain from when I was a kid?

I do not envy those little girls anymore when I see them in stores because I got my father back, and so much more.

"What's your FAME"?

"I Don't wanna be that girl whose famous for being "the hottest girl next door". "I don't wanna be that girl whose famous for being a whore. "I don't want to gain fame by videotaping my sex game screaming some random dude's name and messing up my own name before I really even get a shot at fame. "I don't wanna gain fame by selling my soul for eternity in exchange for ten years of celebrity certainty, I'm sure there's more to gain by seeking fame the right way. "I don't want to gain fame being facebook famous, taking pictures in my bathroom mirror showing every female attribute I have hoping to check my notifications and to find a million comments & a million likes after only 30 seconds of posting it..... "I don't want followers by having a sexually explicit twitter name and tweet about nothing but twitter fame..... "I don't want to gain fame because I'm related to someone thats famous, noone really accepts you because your a famous sibling they just tolerate you really. " I Don't want to gain fame because I slept with someone famous and wrote a book about and gained One book writer fame ". " I don't wanna gain fame because I have the biggest boobs or the biggest butt, thats not enough after awhile those things wither away and once society realizes your getting plastic surgery to keep yourself relevant, you then become irrelevant. "I don't wanna gain fame because I know "what's his name" and he knew "what's her name" but nothing ever happened at the "whatchamacalit" so I lost that chance at fame". "I don't wanna gain fame because I know how to fight and can display it on relatiy tv. for the world to see hoping that I will be recognized on the streets for my big show down on national T.V." "I don't want to gain fame by having a million guys sign up to seek the love of me and have all of them fighting over me, while gaining ratings on tv. because after a few seasons of that noone will remember me". "I don't wanna gain fame because I was the half naked girl in the back of a music video that I did for free and after it was over still noone recognized me because I wasn't "popping" enough to be put in the main scenes". "I don't want to be model profile famous where I have to pay a fee for a website to hopefully be able to help me be famous in a year but as a year goes by so does my money and from noone I hear". " I don't want to gain stupid fame, for being the biggest loser, or being the fattest/ unhealthiest woman in the world having everyone in America watching me hurl and cry because I can't lift one of my thighs. I don't wanna be teen mom famous where I gain a chance on tv for letting some dude plant one in my ovaries &then we break up and thats the end of him, me, and my tv show pregnancy. "I dont wanna gain fame by jumping of the highest building with no parachute expecting to live, no I don't want that kind of fame. "I want the I have "Raw talent" fame. and people want to work with me because of that I want the everlasting fame not the get rich quick cut throat fame...... I want the fame that when people see me they recognize me for the good not the bad and the ugly...... "I want the fame of when I'm gone, people still and will always remember my name because I sought out for fame, The right way." -Tianaforthought*

A Baby's Final Peace......

I saw my daughter in my dreams the other night......
She had my hair; my lips; my eyes...

I heard her voice through my cries and she spoke to me,
She said, Don't Cry now, Just tell me why?...
Why I wasn't good enough to be apart of what you call a life?"

"You seemed Pretty ready to me, But daddy seemed more ready to get rid of me."
She said, "Mommy you didn't stick up for me, you didn't fight for me, you didn't love me and neither did daddy.

"Okay maybe you did love me but you loved daddy a lot more; you loved him so much that you forced yourself not to want me anymore".
"What did I ever do? Besides develop inside of you?"
I didn't ask to "almost be here"
I was just a Mere product of you Two!

"You tried to save me that day didn't you? but it was too late I had already been sucked into the suction tank.
"Good thing all babies go to heaven, because where my fetus went you can't even imagine."

"You signed the papers saying the doctors couldn't experiment with me.
"But why would you care "all of a sudden" what would happen to me, you weren't keeping me...you were to busy "keeping" daddy happy!the only thing you "kept" was your promise to get rid of me! good job mommy!
"I'll visit you in your dreams til I get answers and some type of clarity...as to why you didn't want me?

I hope next time mommy, next time you get it right and make the choice for you not daddy or the next daddy to be....

I hope my baby brother or sister doesn't whind up in baby heaven like me.

It was supposed to be you and me mommy "Always and forever" and because of you and daddy's selfishness I won't meet you never ever.

I'm not telling you this to hurt you, I'm trying to help you I wanna let you know that I don't in anyway resent you.

I came to you in this dream to speak my "Peace".
Hopefully now mommy you can sleep at night tear free.

I forgive you mommy and I forgive Daddy too,
Remember just because we didn't formally meet doesn't mean I don't love you I just would've loved to love you face to face....
"You crying and fighting with daddy every night won't make it right nor any easier for you what's done is done those first 6 weeks were fun.

"So until then I'll be waiting in heaven for you
and up there we can once again become one."

Stop/Start

"He stopped talking; I stopped listening;
He stopped calling; I stopped answering;
He stopped touching; I stopped feeling;
He stopped loving; I stopped caring;
He started cheating; I started leaving "
#tianaforthought

Letter To God

“I never once said I wanted to be a writer I was just somehow blessed with the gift".
All my life I wanted to be a star. I wanted to sing, I daydreamed of being a dancer, a singer, even starring in a broad way musical. But out of all those things I never became any of them that I day dreamed.
What’s going on? What’s happening to me? Why does it seem like everyone has control of my life accept for me?
I didn't ask to be here and the way things are going, nor do I want to be. So what if I could think of something, better yet anything off the top of my head and just write it! Doesn't mean it’s what I am meant to be.
I'm a lost soul as far as I'm concerned and the gift of my purpose is what I feel I deserve, but is it something I've earned?
Yes; that's the question at hand what's a purpose given if not in God's plan?
So what is God's plan? For me that is, will I ever know? Or is it something I've already missed? I don't know but I wish I did, I feel like I'm lost, trapped in the world of a kid. Life's moving on day after day and yet I'm stuck in the same place.
Release is all i ask for and if you choose not to then say no more, stuck I'll remain with no doors, or windows to escape.
But just to keep my mind from wandering and my thoughts safe can you please tell me; when my purpose will take place? A hint, a clue, or a simple answer will do.
You tell me what's my next move, I'll never be as clever as you nor am I trying to, I just want help from you. Why give me the gift to dream if what I'm dreaming I'll never be? I dream at high levels and getting there will take a life time and time is all I have, so that's fine. But if the answer is never, never will I know when my purpose is due; or what my purpose leads to
I can live with that; that I'll understand... But I can't stop asking it is your answer I seek, and I won't stop asking until you answer me.
Until then I'll wait & stuck I'll shall remain but I know I have a purpose, because you didn't put me on this earth just to die in vain.

Good_Bye ???

"I don't know why I keep taking so long to say this, I don't know what I'm waiting for, the longer i wait the more my heart will break and fester like a sore.....

I couldn't be cliche and start it off with an " I love you", because you know what's coming after I say that, I'm drawing a blank in my head, so with that said I'll do it this way instead.

It'd be really weak if I did this through a text message, and if I did it in person watching you cry would make me regret it, so I won't say a word maybe you'll just "get it" but I don't know whether not you'll accept it.

I'm sorry but I'd just rather be alone and no it's not you, I do love you, but your not fully understanding me ,let me just leave before I do something stupid that will definitely be the end of you and me. I really don't mean to hurt you, but give me some time and I promise when I get it right I'll come back and give this relationship a second try.

No it's not someonelse girl or guy. Just Give me a chance and I can be the girl you need;but right now that girl you need I simply can't be there's alot dorming inside of me, there's alot piling up and its keeps getting to the best of us, I don't know if I should leave, stay or go, all I know is that your what matters to me the most, and I'd never want to hurt you, at least not this way, that's why I'm walking away because I'd do more damage if I stay.

your heart will break and I don't know how long it will be broken, but awhile ago mine broke, broke and broke again, and right now I don't know how to make it whole again and super glue and tape can't fix it.
I hear you crying, I hear you loud and clear but I can't look at you, I can't see you clearly past my own tears.
one last word before you walk away, it'll only take a minute, and you'll understand it after I finish
..... it didn't make sense to keep lying and prolonging this longtime coming good-bye and I'm not saying it wasn't hard, But I gave us a fair try.
this is something I had to do, i said I wouldn't be cliche but I told you I do love you too much to hurt you and here I am proving it...
****final promise,
When I get it right, I promise when I get it right I'll come back and give this relationship a second try.