Sunday, May 8, 2016

What lies underneath

Happy ? Me happy? What does that even mean? I feel like when people say are you happy? I feel as if they are cursing at me.
How about have you had enough? Enough of not being happy.
Enough of waking up to this sad thing called life?
I am very thankful for being alive overall.
But I've truly had enough of what comes with it all.
So far the way things are happening it seems as if nothing is happening for me.
You pray and you cry and you pray and you cry some more.
You get alone and cry alittle more.
You find yourself crying so much that your eyes get sore.
But since you can't stop, you just allow the tears to fall.
Fall along with your hopes, your dreams, and with anything that ever meant anything.
Your tired, and it's okay, get tired, be tired, you deserve to be tired.
You want out and without a doubt that's okay too and I truly do not blame you.
But you being a quitter is simply not In you.
My life is so cloudy right now I am not seeing the point but I do hold on to hope that there a point coming at some point.
waiting, I hate waiting especially when I do not know.
I tried, I tried an, I tried some more and got knocked down and I tried again and got knocked down again ; now I'm starting to think in my life there is no gold, or even a goal, there is no win.
There is just life, and there is Just me.
I think its okay to hurt, I've been hurting a lot these last few months nobody knows, hell I don't even know if anybody would even care. Especially the ones that are guilty of doing it or are they?
I mean people can only do what you allow them to do, so did I hurt myself? By allowing myself to get hurt by someone else? that's on me I see, I take all the blame this ones on me.

Someone told me that in life you live, then you die, and if your lucky enough to become somebody in between that then good for you but its highly unlikely for anybody too. I am beginning to think that's true.
I had dreams, I had big dreams, hell I still do, but maybe my dreams are too big for my eyes to see and for my hands to reach, and maybe my prayers have been silenced, no longer to be heard by anyone up there. Maybe God no longer cares, maybe even Jesus gave up caring about me. There is someone born every day so why would God continue wasting his graces on me?

I'm sad I've been so sad for a longtime, but how can anyone tell if my frown is always upside down.
I am not living I'm existing, but I'm existing for my Child, thank God for her because of her I still maintain some type of hope to carry on, at least so 30 years from now she won't spend her nights crying, her nights not sleeping constantly wheeping, praying for a miracle, playing for a Miracle, wishing for a Miracle, hopefully her emotions won't be too hysterical.
I have enough hope left in me for one last prayer, My prayer is for her to succeed in all that she desires and that she never has to be writing anything like this.
Her writings will be joyous filled with peace laughter and love.
Her prayers will rain down constantly from above.
She wont just exist she will live.
She won't cry tears of sadness she will shed tears of joy.
I pray she doesn't even know what hopelessness and heartache feels like.
I pray she goes through life not having to fight.
I pray it all comes easy.
I pray she never loses faith.
I pray she Keeps God first at all times.
I pray that she keeps praying even for me.
But most of all I pray she ends of nothing like me but way better than me, because in this moment right now as I am writing this piece and reading it too, I don't even recognize me.
This wasn't me I used to be so happy, but I'm done pretending its time to take off the scales and let the world finally see what truly lies underneath.

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